The 364 Day Home Study

I am floored that it's been so long since I posted. We have been through many challenges since our home study began in December 2013. What started out as great hope for a smooth process turned into over nine months of frustration. The greatest lesson that I learned is that the right social worker makes all the difference... and being the "right" social worker isn't about the diplomas on the walls or the in-service training; it's about personality, personal experience and compatibility. The second social worker we were assigned in December 2013 (the first one wouldn't meet outside of office hours which didn't work for us as a working family) made us feel, frankly, like her job was to find reasons why we should NOT be allowed to adopt children. I actually lost count of how many office visits we had to make. In one visit, I had to spend nearly an hour discussing my high school boyfriend - a relationship which ended twenty years ago. I tried and failed to see the relevance and, at one point, almost asked if she wanted his number. But, I held my tongue because this social worker and I were definitely not compatible and she did not find me funny... AT ALL. Since this was our second social worker, we tried to stay under the radar and "keep our eye on the prize." It was now April and we were six months in to a process which, we were told, took three to five months... with no end in sight. However, when we were reprimanded after complaining about being stood up by our social worker for a home visit, my patience wore out. I couldn't believe that we were being told that our reaction to, what was without a doubt unprofessional behaviour, was "concerning" and "called into question" our ability to parent children who may demonstrate challenging behaviour. It was almost laughable that an educated professional would equate our reaction to an adult behaving in an inconsiderate and dismissive way to dealing with children. This was now the second time that our "ability to parent" was challenged while ignoring that we have been successfully parenting a child since 2001.I complained directly to minister responsible in Victoria about the way we were being treated by the staff at this particular office and, not surprisingly, they kicked it back to the office to handle. So that went well... We agreed to part ways with this particular social worker, taking our home study report with us. We didn't receive our report until the end of May 2013. I spent over an hour correcting the spelling and grammar. I had to correct the spelling of our names numerous times.It was so disheartening to read, after waiting SEVEN MONTHS, something that was so carelessly written about people who were portrayed as big dull duds and nothing like us. I wouldn't have ever given those people children either; they would have died of boredom living with them. In June 2013, we began working with a part-time social worker who was just returning from an extended leave. This lady "got it." We were excited and didn't even care that we basically had to do a new home study. She knew the report was crap and no adoption worker would read it and be like "YES!" I was so relieved to know that we weren't the only ones who thought random comments like "She thinks her mother is a terrible singer" had no place in a home study. Or that a paragraph describing your parents shouldn't really end with a crazy comment like "His birth father is also gentle" because, logically, this would make anyone reading it wonder who the father described in the rest of the paragraph was! We spent the summer redoing our home study and getting to know our new worker. We were excited and things were looking up. It took us 364 days from the first phone call in August 2013 with the first social worker until our home study was signed off. But we didn't care because we KNEW this worker was going to get things done. She laughed at my jokes, she chatted easily with our son, she had a family so she just got us. I think I probably developed a lady crush on her... and then she quit her job. I thought I was going to die. We were ready to pack it up, be grateful for our one kid and buy a 2 bedroom ocean side cottage. It seriously felt worse than the realization that having more biological kids was no longer an option. In a last ditch effort to make this work for us, we called the adoption supervisor and asked to be assigned to the adoption worker who taught our Adoption Education Program classes back in 2013. She is like the adoption whisperer; she grew up in a home with adopted siblings so she just "gets" all of it. And just as important, she "gets" us and she doesn't judge. Probably in an effort just to get rid of us, the supervisor agreed. At our first meeting, she says, "You know... I was flipping through the book this summer and I came across these two kids and I couldn't believe how much they looked like the two of you. It was weird..." We met those kids in January and they moved in in March. And, thanks to her, I'm writing our story again... this time as a family of five.

Our Home Study Begins...

Thanks to my husband's persistence, after the six month delay, our home study began on Friday. It felt like an early Christmas present being able to feel like we are moving forward again. Needless to say, I was more than a little nervous - feeling like I was to blame for the initial delay - plus the BC snow "storm" and our needing to drive in it that day did not help my nerves either. However, even if he had to push me in a sleigh, there was no way my husband was not making that first appointment. I joked before we left that we will be able to tell our children we had to travel through sleet, snow and ice in our journey to "get them."

A nervous wreck traveling on the highway, I had to remind myself of two things: 1) it was highly unlikely we would end up in the ditch and 2) our social worker's task is to work with us to grow our family rather than, as I had begun to feel in the last few months, find reasons not to let us adopt. We were both pretty quiet on the trip in.

I'm not sure what I expected from the first meeting. In all honesty, it was pretty anti-climatic. All we really did is meet our new adoption worker and review, for the third time, what I call the child "shopping list." For those unfamiliar with the process, it is literally a checklist of what we are and are not looking for in our children - every single medical condition, disability, risk factor, ethnic background, etc. It is a long list. In our last meeting with the intake worker, I had joked that they could put this on-line and we would be able to "add to basket" the challenges, disabilities, ethnic and religious backgrounds we are looking for. I think my husband is pretty convinced this joke might be responsible for our delay. It goes without saying, I did not make this joke this time around. As the worker closed with "Do you have any more questions?" I was very impressed with both of us for biting our tongues and not asking "So, when are we going to get our kids?"

In our post-interview "debrief" on the drive home, I commented to my husband that I was glad to be working with this particular worker, she seemed very nice and accommodating but I did not think she would  "get" my sense of humour. Without skipping a beat, he responded with a "nope" and then followed that up with: "No jokes. Whatever you do, fight every instinct you have." What I have done is started a private collection of letters to "our" children that I will be able to share with them when they are adults - just as I have done with our son. This is where I will "hide" all my jokes for this part of the journey because, certainly, by the time they reach adulthood, all our kids will "get" my sense of humour.

The "Expectant" Family at Christmas...

Like many families, we love Christmas around here. We take the day to decorate the tree and the house, watch cheesy Christmas movies (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation now that our son is a tween) and just enjoy being a family. Like a typical female, I love the Christmas shopping. And as the lone female in the house, this activity can be pretty lonely. It's not about getting "stuff" but just about finding things - regardless of the cost - that will make my loved ones smile. I take particular joy in the stocking stuffers - trying to keep within a budget but move beyond the standard toiletries and socks. Every year since he was born, our son has received an ornament which represents something which was important to him in

the past year - whether that be a family vacation, an accomplishment or something he was "crazy" about. My goal has always been that, when he has his own family, he will have these ornaments and these memories to share with them.

As we sit in limbo waiting for our home study, it is hard not think about our "kids." When you are pregnant at Christmas, you think about the new little person who will be joining your family next year and how different your Christmas will be. With adoption, what dawned on me as I was Christmas shopping, is that our "little person" or "persons" are already out there - somewhere - about to celebrate Christmas. It is a strange feeling to realize that "our" children are already celebrating Christmases and will, hopefully, be hanging stockings, visiting Santa and exchanging presents with their current family. Will they have their own special ornaments? Is their Christmas a special time or a lonely time? As sad as I am not to share this Christmas with "our"children, I hope and pray that their Christmas is special.

So, as I wander around the shops, it is hard not to wonder what our family will look like next year. Will I be buying one special ornament or two, three, four?  Will I still be the lone female shopper or will I have one or two "helpers"? 

Is The Burner Even On?

When I told MCFD at the end of August that we would be unable to work with an adoption worker who required that all home study appointments be concluded by 4:30pm weekdays, I knew we would be: a) in the dog house and b) put on the back burner. When we received an email from the intake coordinator telling us that "further options would need to be discussed with the supervisor next week," I knew for sure that we were no longer considered "top priority." We resigned ourselves to the fact that we had been officially put on the back burner.

It is now three weeks later and we have not had any further communication from MCFD letting us know if "further options" have even been discussed. Like my ObGyn was saying to me nearly two years ago "tick tock goes the clock..." and this leads me to wonder, "Is the burner even on?" Or have we just been shoved to the back and left to get cold? The image I picture of our application is of gravy, once warm and smelling delicious, - the perfect topper to a delicious meal - turning into a congealed lump of pasty looking fat. It was coming along very nicely, almost ready to go but it just sat on the back burner, growing cold while all the other dishes were served and enjoyed and, at the end of the meal, someone says "oops! well... that's a shame, forgot about it" and tosses it out.

Since the tone of the last email was, pretty much, "don't call us, we'll call you" it might be time for us to explore other options... because, tick tock goes the clock, we are not getting any younger... and I am not really interested in being a card carrying member of CARP with kids still in K-12... and would prefer not to use my CPP to pay for a child's college tuition.

And, because they say "a watched pot never boils," we continue on with our lives as a family of three, going to hockey and soccer games, being involved in our community, making vacation plans... but still wondering what our family will look like this time next year.

The Family the Home study Forgot About...

I also debated about entitling this post "Are you there, Ministry? It's Me..."

When our AEP ended at the end of June, we had our post AEP interview less than 36 hours later - despite being told that they usually take place "within two weeks." For the second time during the process, our workers  included terms like "top priority," "top of the list," and "completed during the summer." It seems that when you are "crazy" enough to ask for multiple children over the age of two, they want to get you in and out as fast as possible. We joked that they wanted us over and done with before we realized what we were in for so they could wave, while driving away, calling out "No take backs! No take backs!"

To be honest, I think we were both a little panicked at how fast we were moving through all these stages. On paper, what was listed as being a multi-month process was, as we were lead to believe, all going to be completed in about eight weeks. Needless to say, we left that meeting and rushed around preparing for our home study. It made sense to us - and the Ministry as we were told -  that, with my work schedule being free and clear for two months, that our home study would be completed over the summer so we only had to work around my husband's work schedule and all appointments could be conducted during regular business hours. We had been told numerous times that having to hold some evening appointments to work with family's schedules would delay the process. Quick and easy... that's honestly what we thought.


After multiple emails bouncing back with vacation notices over the course of the summer, we began to realize there was going to be nothing quick and easy about this. Our intake call came August 29 - two working days before I returned to full-time teaching with our first appointment scheduled for September 9. When I was told all eight 60 or 90 minute home study appointments needed to be concluded prior to 4:30 pm weekdays, needless to say, I was a little "miffed" and no longer feeling like our family was "a top priority." Now, as I am fully aware that we are dealing with the government who are essentially in control of whether or not we can expand our family through domestic adoption, it becomes even more frustrating because you feel like you have no right to speak up and say, "Wait a minute. This is not at all what you said was going to happen.You can't get our expectations up, then stomp on them and then get annoyed when we speak up."


I am trying to be diplomatic and bite my tongue. I would love to say things like, "I'm pretty sure all workers being unavailable due to vacation was not something that you were unaware of at the end of June when you told us to expect a summer home study." People really don't seem to appreciate having the obvious pointed out to them. Instead, we asked for another worker - one who was flexible and willing to work with us - with some appointments going beyond 4:30 pm - during the school year. Expecting a teacher to take eight half days off at the beginning of the school year is, frankly, ridiculous. My attempt at a "we'd like to move forward with someone a bit more accommodating" was met with a comment about concerns about my availability as a parent if I was unable to take time off from work. Ouch.

Needless to say, we have been moved to the bottom of the list (and who knows how long "the list" is) ... and my now stressed out husband is convinced we will be parked there indefinitely. As for me, I continue to write letters I will never send about how frustrating it is to be mislead and then slapped in the face.

Preparing for the home study...

One of the things that I made note of during the adoption education program was comments made by social workers about the home study - things they ask you about (yes, sex!), things they suggest you have in your home, etc. I mean, basically, a home study is like some sort of in-person exam so the better prepared you are, the better your chances of passing the "test" is, right?

I think anyone who tells you that they are not nervous about the home study is either lying or taking serious amounts of Xanex... and lying. Someone is coming into your home, looking around, interviewing you - and  your kids - and making a decision about your suitability as a parent. How could anyone not find the very idea of being judged - by the government, no less - not stressful?

Looking over my notes made during the AEP, one said "get a rocking chair." One social worker mentioned that she thought every adoptive home should have a rocking chair because the motion of rocking helps with attachment... or something along those lines. So, last weekend, we picked one up. No idea where we will put it but we have one... and it does not look brand new so we will be able to say "Oh... we have had that for YEARS... every home should have one."

I made notes on books which were recommended. So I emailed one of my friends who has already gone through international adoption and asked if she has any books that we can borrow. I told her I wanted to strategically place them all over the house so that we look well read... we would, of course, read them but having them in plain sight makes it a lot easier - and less obvious - than starting each sentence with "According to the author of..." or "In this great book I just read called...." Her email response was: "They will probably ask to use your washroom and then go through your medicine cabinet." My response: "So we should put the books in the medicine cabinet?" The things you learn from other adoptive parents...

During the home study, they will also interview our kidlet. While we would obviously not coach our child on how to answer their questions, we are trying to convey to him that perhaps comments like "I gave you life, I can take it away" or answers of "Help moving" to questions like "Do you know what I want for my 18th birthday?" - taken out of context - might not paint us as the most supportive parents. We can only hope that any social worker will see our kidlet as the humorous ("I will take as many siblings as it takes to get out of all chores") self confident and content individual we have been guiding on his life journey. We are proud of the job we have done as his parents and cannot think of a better testament to our suitability as adoptive parents... and THAT is probably the best prep for any home study.

Now... to hunt down the perfect cleaning lady.

Hitting our first valley...

So, two weeks after our post-AEP appointment where we were told that they wanted to push us through over the summer, we are still waiting to hear from our newly assigned social worker and for the home study to begin.

We are also still waiting for any word on the sibling group we had expressed interest in. We just wanted to know whether these kids had an adoption plan in the works or if they were still looking for a family. With our inquiry being passed on almost overnight, it is hard to sit back and wait weeks for an answer.

It has been just over six months since we first made contact with the ministry and we have hit our first valley. The practical part of me reminds myself that it is summer time and people do take summer holidays which would delay our social worker speaking with the children's social worker. And I also have to remind myself that this process was only started six months ago and, while we have moved through eight of the 17 steps very fast, delays are to be expected. Technically, we are ahead of schedule but still it is frustrating.

As a couple we continue to talk about what life could look like a year from now - especially when we have a lazy day around the house where loading the dishwasher is the major accomplishment for the day - but we do not really speak about how our journey could take up to two or more years to complete and that we will face many peaks and valleys

So while we have completed the adoption education program, it seems that I still need to learn a little patience... and my bouquet of balloons is looking a little deflated tonight.